Health Diaries > A Chronological Documentation of Suffering and Success

Saturday, Oct 21, 2006

Irony or just good timing?

Well I can no longer say that I am pull-free.
I was at work yesterday and felt that irresitable urge.
I hate it.
I pulled.
It was only about three and there are no large gaps, but the idea that I actually succumbed bothers me.
I have been thinking about why I got the urge.
My fiance` and I had a fight that morning, started by yours truly.
I...am having problems letting his previous infidelities go.
They are not a consistant thing, but it's...fucking hard to let go.
I really don't know how.
I still love him.
I just...can't get over it.
It doesn't help my depression.
I hope a lot of it is just the hormones adjusting.
Yesterday was not good, overall.
I just wait for things to get better, though.
--Raye.

Posted by Raye | Filed under: | Comments (0)

Thursday, Oct 19, 2006

Update, I suppose.

Just wanted to post a little update.
I am feeling a lot better.
The pain is hardly there at all and the bleeding is subsiding.
There is still some discharge that is worrying me because it isn't exactly normal, but I just kind of shrug it off in the way of normal.
I haven't spiked a temp and have been taking my antibiotics faithfully.

My fiance` and I talked about the procedure more.
It turned out he wasn't too comfortable with it, but felt it was the right thing to do.
Apparently, he still believed it was wrong and felt guilty for letting me make the decision on my own.
It was hard to deal with, but we have worked through it.

Depression is still at bay, although my hormones are still wickedly wacked.

It is hard, though, to avoid getting down.
My sister is talking to me again, as is my best friend.
My fiance` and best friend fight constantly, so it's hard.
I don't really want to take sides, and it is tearing me apart that they both sort of want me to do so.
No one is really pressuring me about it, per say, but it's there.
That's the hardest thing I am dealing with.
Otherwise, I am doing good.
I am still pull free.
I enjoy my new job.
I get to see my friends more now.
Everything seems to be going well.
^.^

Also, I just wanted to say thanks to the support I am recieving in my comments.
It is really great to see and feel that there is no real judgement here.
We are just people working towards helping others.
--Raye

Posted by Raye | Filed under: | Comments (0)

Friday, Oct 13, 2006

This is for honesty, right?

Well, I suppose this can only work in helping others if I am honest.

I had an abortion.
Two days ago.
It was completely legal, and safe, but I can't seem to get it out of my mind.

My inlaws and fiance` were completely supportive, surprising to both him and I considering his mother is a staunch Catholic.
My family, however, will never know of it because I would be an outcast among my own blood.
Surprising, really, considering most of my family have either had an abortion or had a partner who they supported through one.
Their hypocriscy has always been hard to deal with.

Nine weeks and four days.
First trimester.

I want to tell people.
I want to talk about it.
I want to find other women who have had one.
I don't know why.

I don't regret my decision.
I would make it again if given the chance.

I think part of my problems in dealing with the afterthoughts is the fact that I used to be pro-life.
Why did I change?
I always thought pro-choice was pro-death, but it's not.
Pro-choice supports freedom.
You want an abortion, get one.
You want to keep it, more power to you.
It's about freedom of choice and controlling your own life, where pro-life is anti-choice.
Do I respect pro-lifers?
Yes.

Why did I choose an abortion?
I am 18, my fiance` just turned 19 and we live in a small apartment.
We are on food stamps.
We barely scrape by each month.
We are happy, but some days we go without eating.
It's not a fair life to bring a child into.

Adoption?
I fear pregnancy more than I fear actually having a child.
I think it comes from being told my whole life that I was a little whore who would be pregnant at 18 and abandoned.
(Abandonment is a theme in my life; it is my biggest fear and the most common event in my childhood.)

And yet, as I read over this again, it looks as if I am justifying myself to you all.
I have no reason to do so, and yet, I do.
It is something I need to work on.

The pain, though, that is kind of irritating.
Depression is threatening to set in as well.
I went nearly hysterical yesterday when my friends and my fiance` started fighting.
I was screaming at my fiance` and sobbing.
I even walked all the way to the park with him following me, consoling me as I just continued.
I felt like it was the end of the world and I was completely alone.
I knew better in my mind, but I couldn't seem to grasp that idea.
I think it's the hormones.
I hope so.
Each day I reflect on the previous day and since the procedure, I look back and think about how irrational and psychotic I view myself in retrospect, yet I had no control over it emotionally.
It is supposed to be like this for the next two weeks or so.
I will update more later.

--Raye.

Posted by Raye | Filed under: | Comments (1)

Thursday, Oct 12, 2006

Everyone has to start somewhere, right?

I suppose, I shall start with an introduction and then move forward into some of the issues I am facing currently.

My name is Raye and I am 18 years old.
The main reason I started this blog was to help others and provide more first-hand information about trich, as well as the other disorders and life issues I deal with.

I have never been officially diagnosed, but I have been seen many times by therapists for depression and self-injury.

It started out with trich, actually.

I have been pulling since I was about 11 years old, but the major onset began at thirteen, when I started my menstrual cycle.
Yes, there were other things going on as well, but that was an interesting note.
Most of my pulling occurs under times of stress, but also when I zone out.
For example, when I read, I tend to start pulling.
It is a compulsion that actually starts from my eyelids.
(I only pull my eyelashes, but tend to pluck my eyebrows obsessively.)
The only way I can really describe it is an urge to pull that is almost painful.
It feels like if I don't pull out my eyelashes, that I will not be able to relieve the pain in my eyelids.
So, I start pulling, but the pain doesn't go away.
It just moves around.
Sometimes, my eyelid will actually swell up from the stress I am putting on it.
The urge to pull is subconcious.
I feel it once it has started and after that, I can't get my mind off it.
Distraction is the only thing that helps.
(Medical Marijuna has helped as well.)

From trich, I moved to self-injury through cutting.
I have tried to commit suicide two times now.

I no longer wish to die.
I am actually happily engaged.
I still battle with depression, trich, and urges to self-mutilate.
That's what this is for, though:
To help others as well as myself in the understanding and triumphing over these things.

--Raye.

Posted by Raye | Filed under: | Comments (1)


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