Health Diaries > A Chronological Documentation of Suffering and Success

October 13, 2006

This is for honesty, right?

Well, I suppose this can only work in helping others if I am honest.

I had an abortion.
Two days ago.
It was completely legal, and safe, but I can't seem to get it out of my mind.

My inlaws and fiance` were completely supportive, surprising to both him and I considering his mother is a staunch Catholic.
My family, however, will never know of it because I would be an outcast among my own blood.
Surprising, really, considering most of my family have either had an abortion or had a partner who they supported through one.
Their hypocriscy has always been hard to deal with.

Nine weeks and four days.
First trimester.

I want to tell people.
I want to talk about it.
I want to find other women who have had one.
I don't know why.

I don't regret my decision.
I would make it again if given the chance.

I think part of my problems in dealing with the afterthoughts is the fact that I used to be pro-life.
Why did I change?
I always thought pro-choice was pro-death, but it's not.
Pro-choice supports freedom.
You want an abortion, get one.
You want to keep it, more power to you.
It's about freedom of choice and controlling your own life, where pro-life is anti-choice.
Do I respect pro-lifers?
Yes.

Why did I choose an abortion?
I am 18, my fiance` just turned 19 and we live in a small apartment.
We are on food stamps.
We barely scrape by each month.
We are happy, but some days we go without eating.
It's not a fair life to bring a child into.

Adoption?
I fear pregnancy more than I fear actually having a child.
I think it comes from being told my whole life that I was a little whore who would be pregnant at 18 and abandoned.
(Abandonment is a theme in my life; it is my biggest fear and the most common event in my childhood.)

And yet, as I read over this again, it looks as if I am justifying myself to you all.
I have no reason to do so, and yet, I do.
It is something I need to work on.

The pain, though, that is kind of irritating.
Depression is threatening to set in as well.
I went nearly hysterical yesterday when my friends and my fiance` started fighting.
I was screaming at my fiance` and sobbing.
I even walked all the way to the park with him following me, consoling me as I just continued.
I felt like it was the end of the world and I was completely alone.
I knew better in my mind, but I couldn't seem to grasp that idea.
I think it's the hormones.
I hope so.
Each day I reflect on the previous day and since the procedure, I look back and think about how irrational and psychotic I view myself in retrospect, yet I had no control over it emotionally.
It is supposed to be like this for the next two weeks or so.
I will update more later.

--Raye.

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comments.gif

Very courageous. I know it sounds cliche but I truly believe that acceptance or in your case admitance, is always the healthier option. Denying the abortion would only create more quilt and subsequently more emotional pain. Good Luck!


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